Children's Temper Tantrums and Creating an Emotional and Mental Thread.

  Talking to a parent ally a few days ago, we came across the topic of dealing with children's temper tantrums and the things we can do as adults to help kids understand their own emotional outbursts. We talked about different ways that we have seen adults deal with this issue. Some walk away and do not address the issue with their child simply allowing the child to "cool off" on their own terms and time and once the child is ready he or she can resume normal activity with those present. Others try their very best to appease their children and go above and beyond to find a comfort measure that will bring happiness to the child again. Some others do a combination of both.

Digging deeper into the subject we came to asking the question: What is the most important thing that a child should learn when experiencing a tantrum?

This question brought me back a memory of an experience I had with my 5 year old daughter when she was 4. I can't remember the question she posed upon me, I just remember that it was a tough question for a 4 year old to ask and I had to answer somehow.
Honestly, I remember I gave her kind of a BS answer thinking the explanation was just too complicated for her to understand and that maybe if I gave her a half way answer, that would be enough for her.
What a lesson I learned that day!!!
She recited back the answer I gave her almost verbatim, but she had an air of doubt in her words as if I could almost hear her telling me "You mean to tell me this shit and expect me to be satisfied?!!"
When she finally finished reciting back my quack explanation she said: "That's kind of weird, like it doesn't make sense.".
I was shocked, looking at myself through the smoking mirror knowing my daughter didn't deserve a half way truth.
So I sat down next to her on the couch where she was peacefully playing with a toy and forced my self to find the best words to clearly deliver to her the answer she was looking for and deserved.

That day I learned that my child can comprehend great knowledge and reason as long as it is the simple and honest truth. She is creating a data base of information within her whole being. Like a computer program or any process, her questions, thought creation and conclusions have a beginning and an end.
She had a very real and important question in mind and she was creating a thread of information in order to understand they "why" behind an issue and come to her own understanding of it. It would be a disservice to her for me not to give her the right information.

How we applied this lesson to finding ways to deal with temper tantrums was that no matter what the child is fussing about, a child should be aware of the internal and external process that is arising within them.

For example:

• A group of children are playing a game. One of them wants to play something else, but everyone else is still having fun playing the current game. The child that wants to play something else becomes upset and begins to walk away from the group of children. The child now is communicating that is mad because the game will not be changed. The child is crying and yelling. What can we do?
• Various suggestions were made, these are some important points:
• Ask the child what she/he wants to play and why.
• Explain to the child that the other kids want to have fun with her/him and that they can try to play the game suggested later.
• If the child wants to play another game, encourage him/her to take a time out or water break with the kids and use that opportunity to suggest other games to play and come to an agreement TOGETHER.
• Explain to the child that it's ok to take a moment alone and consider all the options suggested.
• Remind the child that she/he is loved.
• Explain that even though she/he might be upset now, she will feel better in time and once she/he is ready a space for dialogue will be made available to them.
• Paint a picture for them from start to finish. Recollecting the events that led to the tantrum and brainstorm together as to what can be done to create happiness again.

I love my daughter and I appreciate her and all the things we have learned together. Helping her understand herself forces me to pause and think critically about the lessons that I am passing down to her, because now I understand the mental and emotional imprint that I am creating within her reality. As a parent, it is my loving duty to help her find the best coping methods and paths to finding emotional clarity and peace of mind.

Here's to you, parents and allies! Thank you for your love and efforts. Together we can create a great future for generations to come...

"Perspectives" blog series 2015